


your eyes look like coming home

by fullmetallizard



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Discussion of Abortion, F/M, Implied/Referenced Abortion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-07
Updated: 2015-10-08
Packaged: 2018-04-25 06:32:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4950262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fullmetallizard/pseuds/fullmetallizard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean Havoc's loyalty is unwavering. That includes his loyalty to his fellow Lieutenant and the changes they experience.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I obviously and unfortunately do not own FMA.

The air left Jean Havoc's body when Riza told him she got confirmation that she was pregnant. His jaw dropped and the cigarette he was smoking almost fell into his lap. She was sitting on the couch in his apartment, her head in her hands.

“That _idiot_ ,” he snarled, clenching his fists. “That idiot Colonel.”

“If he’s an idiot I’m an idiot,” she whispered. She finally looked up at him and he hated the tears filling up in her brown eyes. “Oh God, Jean. What do I do?”

He put his cigarette out and got up from the armchair to sit beside her on the couch. He wrapped his arms around her and she fell easily onto his chest. He rested his chin on the top of her head. “We’ll figure it out.”

“We?” She asked, breaking away and wiping her cheeks.

“Yes ‘we,’ dumbass. You’re crazy if you think you’re alone in this.”

She gave a wet laugh and it warmed his heart despite everything going on. He knew he was hopelessly in love with her but he wasn’t a complete fool. He knew that she was hopelessly in love with the Colonel. And now she was pregnant with his kid. The fact made Havoc’s chest ache.

“This is so, so bad,” her voice was low and sad. He wasn’t used to this kind of negativity from his best friend. The sight of her with tears in her eyes and her shoulders slumped was also unfamiliar and a bit scary.

“What did the Colonel say?”

“He doesn’t know.”

“When are you going to tell him?” He smoothed down some of her hair and she swiped at her nose with her sleeve.

“I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“Well, what do you want? If you want to raise the baby and lie about who the dad is, I’ll support you. Or I could help you disappear and raise the baby somewhere else. I’ll do whatever I can.”

“I just…I don’t want to be pregnant at all.”

He was about note that it was a little late to be wishing for that before realizing the weight of her words. “Riza, you could die.”

“What other choice do I have? I can’t protect him and a child at the same time. They’d both suffer for it.”

“It’s not always all about him, Riza. Sometimes is has to be about you.”

She was shutting down on him and he could tell. Her face was taking on a stony quality and her voice was getting stronger. “He could change the country, Jean. I have to get him to that goal.”

“Don’t you think I want that too? Why would I follow an asshole like him if I didn’t think he could do something great? But Riza, this is your life.”

She didn’t say anything but he could see the finality in her eyes. Her mind was made up. He felt nauseous. “You can’t die though. If you die, the whole team will be lost. He’ll be destroyed.” He saw something that looked like fear flash in her eyes but it was gone in an instant.

“This is the best option. Despite the risks.”

He bit his tongue.

“Do you think I could stay here tonight?” She asked quietly.

“Do you even have to ask?” He answered, somehow finding a smile to give her.

She fell asleep on the couch but crawled into bed with him around two in the morning. He wanted so badly to turn over and wrap an arm around her, spoon around her, kiss her cheek, anything. But he kept still and listened to her even breathing.

They were both off the next day so he made her pancakes and all but forced a fork into her hand. She hadn’t spoken to him once in the hour and a half they’d been awake.

“Riza, what’s eating you?”

“I made the appointment while you were in the shower.”

He sighed and then sat down across from her. “When is it?”

“Tomorrow.” Her brow was furrowed and she wouldn’t look up from her pancakes.

He was shocked it was so soon. “Convenient time for a long weekend, I guess.”

She didn’t answer. She brought her fork up to her mouth and took a bite of her breakfast, still looking down.

“So you’re going to tell the Colonel today, right?”

She shook her head and swallowed. “I’m going to tell him after.”

“That’s not really fair to him.”

She looked up at this, as his defending Colonel Mustang was a rarity. Havoc respected the hell out of the man but he cared for Riza more. She met his eyes and he was surprised at how level her gaze was. “I don’t want him to talk me out of it.”

“Okay,” he put his hands up in surrender. “You’re the captain of this ship.”

She looked back down and sighed. Jean thought she might cry but she didn’t. “I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry for?” He asked, lighting a cigarette.

“I know this is a horribly selfish thing I’m doing.”

“Hey,” he said. He exhaled a stream of smoke and took her hand. “I told you I’d support whatever you wanted. I meant it.”

She stroked the back of his hand with her thumb, breaking his heart even though she had no idea she was doing so. “Thank you.”

“Do you want me to go with you tomorrow?” He asked, helping her into her coat as she prepared to leave.

“No. But could I maybe come here after?”

He nodded and then pressed a kiss to the top of her head. She left. He turned to his empty apartment, suddenly feeling lonely. He turned the radio on so he wouldn’t have to deal with the quiet. He did the dishes just to occupy some time and then sat on the couch.

“I gotta get a cat or something,” he muttered. He lit another cigarette and decided he wouldn’t make an animal breathe in that much smoke.

He had a poker game scheduled with Breda, Falman, and Furey but figured he would cancel. He didn’t want to be hungover when Riza needed him the next day and booze was a requirement to play poker with those morons.

He’d just gotten back from the shooting range when there was a knock on his door. He put his cigarette out and opened the door to reveal Hawkeye. He could tell by how much effort she put into smoothing her face that she was incredibly upset.

“What’s going on?”

She walked in, Hayate at her heels, and went straight for the couch. “I told him,” she said shakily. She ran a hand through her hair and started twisting it around her fingers, something she only did when she was trying not to cry.

“Riza, what happened?”

She took a deep breath and tugged lightly on her hair.

He sat beside her, almost wishing he didn’t love her this much. Almost. “What’d he say?”

“That if I get an abortion this…whatever _this_ is is done.”

He didn’t have any words. He was fighting the urge to go straight to the Colonel to punch him in the face. He clenched his shaking fists and took a deep breath. Riza noticed.

“I can go if I’m just going to upset you.”

“No,” he said, a hair too quickly. “Don’t go.” He put a hand on her arm and after a few seconds, the tensed muscles underneath relaxed. “Just stay and talk this out.”

She nodded and pulled Hayate onto her lap.

“So he wanted the baby?” He asked.

“That’s the thing,” she said. “He didn’t. But he said…he said we’d done enough killing in Ishval. He yelled at me, Jean.”

His heart sank. Mustang was supposed to be the one who understood. He’d been in Ishval too. The fact that he threw it back in her face was revolting. He could see the pain and regret painted across Riza’s features and he hated it.

“Are you hungry?” His mom always fed him when he was upset growing up.

She looked surprised at the question. She started to nod but then shook her head. “I can’t eat for twenty four hours.”

He leaned over and scratched Hayate’s ears. “It’ll be okay, Hawk. He needs time to cool down. You’re doing what you feel like you have to do.”

“You’re not trying to talk me out of it?”

“Why would I?”

“I’ve seen you with your nephews. You love kids.” He was surprised she’d noticed. He thought about the potential child growing in his friend and how the man who put it there wasn’t him and no, no don’t go there…

“This isn’t my call. It’s yours.”

She leaned her head on his shoulder. “Thank you, Jean.” 

For a couple hours, they didn’t speak. She read on the couch while he smoked and played solitaire. It was silly but he didn’t want to eat when she couldn’t so he didn’t bother making dinner. He leaned back, studying the cards and eventually dozed off.

He felt the cigarette being pulled gently from his lips and looked up. “Hey,” Riza smiled at him. “You need to go to bed.”

“You do too,” he yawned. “It’s too late and too cold for you to walk home now.”

“I’ll take the couch.”

“You’ll just crawl in my bed in the middle of the night so let’s skip ahead to that part.”

She smiled and then nodded, marking her place in her book and placing it on the coffee table. He gave her a shirt and shorts to sleep in and brushed his teeth while she puked into the toilet. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” she said, her voice sounded raw. She coughed. “It’s morning sickness. Due to the world’s sick sense of humor, I only get it at night.” She stood and he passed her the toothpaste.

Once she was asleep, Havoc cried for the first time in years.

He sat across from her every day at work. She had a small part of his closet that was hers. She knew the layout of his apartment as well as he did. Hell, Hayate had a bowl and some food in his pantry.

It was all too much. Riza curled up on her side, warm beside him. Hayate was asleep in between their feet. Havoc was drowning in the unfairness and one-sidedness of it all. He was hers; he had been for some time.

But she wasn’t his.


	2. Chapter 2

He was still dead to the world when Riza left the next morning but he woke when she came back. She closed the door too loudly and he sat up at the sound. Her footsteps were loud and clumsy, very out of character.

He went out into the living room to check on her. She hadn’t bothered to take her coat or boots off. She was sitting on the couch with her hands over her face. She was weeping. “Hey,” he said softly.

She didn’t answer so he brushed his teeth and then sat beside her. “Talk to me, Riza.”

She moved her hands and stared straight ahead, taking deep breaths through her nose. “It hurts,” she finally whispered. She was pale, her face and lips completely white. Her eyes were rimmed red and tired looking.

He got up and made her a cup of tea. He handed it to her and her fingers curled around the mug. “Are you okay?”

“The whole thing only took eight minutes. I counted.”

Of course she did. “There’s no point in torturing yourself over it. Give me your coat,” he said, slowly helping her out of it. She kicked her shoes off and sighed.

Riza took a sip of tea and then sighed. “Do you think I’m a bad person for feeling relief right now? I feel guilt but not regret…if that makes any sense.”

It did. “I don’t think you’re a bad person.”

“I need some air. Your apartment smells like an ashtray.”

She’d never minded before but Jean didn’t take it personally. She went out to the balcony and sat on one of the chairs he had out there. After a few minutes he grabbed a blanket and walked outside. He wrapped it around her and noted that she was still crying.

“Do you want space or do you want me to sit with you?”

“Could you maybe sit and smoke and just…be here?”

He sat down and lit a fresh cigarette. He offered her one like he always did but this time she accepted it and reached for the lighter. “Have you ever actually smoked a day in your life, Hawk?”

She nodded and inhaled deeply. “I started in the academy and kept it going in Ishval. I stopped once I got assigned here though.” She exhaled and he watched the smoke leave her mouth in a thin stream. “My nerves are shot today. I have to do something.”

“Have you spoken to the Colonel at all?”

She shook her head and took another drag. “I don’t plan on it. I’m kind of…relieved he wants to end things. At least for a while.”

This surprised him. “Why?”

“I mean…I love him. But we’re not good together. We feed off of each other’s self-loathing and neither of us can move forward because of it. He’s too closed off to be with someone as closed off as me.”

“I don’t think you’re closed off,” Jean said.

She looked at him as she ashed her cigarette. “You don’t?”

“You think you’re unreadable. You’ve got that whole calm, cool, and collected thing going on but I’ve known you for years and I know how to read you through all that.”

She smiled softly and looked out over the balcony. “Do you?”

He didn’t answer but took her hand once she put the cigarette out in the ashtray. He expected her to let go but she squeezed his fingers and drank her tea with her free hand.

“Tell me about that girl you had a date with last Saturday. A change of subject would be great.”

“Who? Daisy?”

“She’s a nurse, right? How’d it go?”

He shrugged. “She didn’t seem that interested.”

She’d actually seemed plenty interested until the fourth or fifth story about his fellow Lieutenant. She was nipping at the bit to get away once she realized that Riza was a woman. At the end of the night she said he was a great guy but clearly in love with someone else and she wasn’t “touching that situation with a ten foot pole.”

“You should try again. I miss coming over when you’re seeing someone but it makes me happy that you’re getting to go out.” He knew she wasn’t saying anything to hurt him. He knew the hairline fractures she made in his heart were never intentional. After all, he was the one letting it happen and keeping silent about it. But every little crack hurt like hell.

He took a deep breath. “Riza…”

She turned to face him and she looked so beautiful in the sunlight that he couldn’t keep his eyes off of her. “What?”

He sighed. The words were trying to bubble up in him. There was so much he knew he probably should have told her but he just couldn’t. “You should eat something. Let’s go inside.”


	3. Chapter 3

The first time they slept together was shortly after they moved to Central six months later. It was quiet but rough and not at all as awkward as it should have been. She’d explained the tattoo spread across her back as he worked the buttons of her shirt. There was pain in her eyes so he tried to touch her there as little as possible.

“I’m sorry,” she said one night after they’d been sleeping together for a month.

“What are you sorry for?” He asked, brushing some hair off of her sweaty neck. The words “I love you” always tried to escape when they were lying there after sex like this. He worked exceptionally hard to keep himself in check.

“I don’t want you to think I’m just using you for sex. I’m not.”

“I know that, Hawk. You’re my best friend.”

She laughed and laid her head back down on his chest. “Don’t tell Breda that. He’ll be jealous.”

“That’s because Breda’s an idiot,” he said fondly.

She sat up and reached for her hair clip on the nightstand and began twisting her hair up. “Where are you going?” He asked.

“I have to meet with the Colonel at his aunt’s bar. I’ll see you tomorrow though.” He watched her get dressed and she gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before she grabbed her bag and left. He rolled over and went to sleep.

The next day, everything was normal until the Colonel asked him into his office. He tucked his cigarette behind his ear and sat. “Sir?” He asked.

“I met with Lieutenant Hawkeye last night and happened to notice that she was walking from your side of town. Any particular reason?”

He felt his cheeks warm a bit but he didn’t look away from the Colonel’s dark, angry eyes. “We’re friends, sir.”

“So you admit she was with you?”

Havoc didn’t answer.

“Is it warm in here Havoc? Is that why you resemble a tomato right now?” His voice was low and full of venom.

“I don’t know what you want me to say, sir.”

“Just answer me this. Are you fucking Lieutenant Hawkeye?”

Havoc gaped at the vulgar phrasing. “I don’t know why it’s your business.”

“You have just effectively answered my question. It’s my business, _Lieutenant_ ,” he spat his rank out at him. “Because you’re both on my team. And what about fraternization laws?”

“We’re both Lieutenants so technically it’s a loophole. Also, you’re hardly in any position to make that argument, _sir_.”

Mustang blanched and it occurred to Havoc that the Colonel wasn’t aware that he knew about him and Riza.

“If I get one whiff of dissonance, you’re gone. Do you understand?”

“Understood.”

“Get out.” The jealousy was clear in his tone. “Now.”

Havoc stood, put the cigarette back in his mouth, and went back to his desk. Riza gave him a look with one brow quirked. He shook his head slightly signaling he’d tell her later.

As they were packing their things, the Colonel called Riza into his office. “Yes sir?” Havoc heard her ask tiredly as the door was swinging shut.

He didn’t bother waiting because he didn’t particularly want to be barbequed and he knew Riza was planning on coming to his house that night.

She showed up a while later in civilian clothes and Hayate in tow. “What’d he want?” Jean asked, putting food in Hayate’s bowl.

“He wanted to know how I so easily bypassed the fraternization rules with you when it was such an issue with him.”

“What’d you say?”

“I told him that it was good and easy with you and that it wouldn’t interfere with work.”

“How did he take that?”

“He nearly set the damn office on fire.”

“Do you still love him?” He asked, watching her switch on the wireless and then fill the kettle.

“I’ll always love him,” she said, quietly. “But the pregnancy did irreparable damage. I still want to protect him and I’d sacrifice my life for his in a second but things are different now.”

He walked up behind her as she packed tea into the infuser and slid his arms around her waist. He kissed her neck and she sighed and leaned into it. “What a day,” she muttered. She turned to look up at him and he pressed a kiss to her mouth.

She switched the heat off on the stove and let herself be pulled into his bedroom.

Afterwards they lay on their sides and Havoc absentmindedly ran his fingers through her hair. She suddenly turned and looked at him. “I think you need a girlfriend.”

“What?”

“Someone you have an actual relationship with. Not just…this.”

“I like this just fine.”

She shook her head. “You deserve more than that.”

He scrubbed at his eyes with his thumb and middle finger. “Are you saying that because of what the Colonel said? Because he’s just pissed right now. He’ll cool off.”

“It has nothing to do with him. I just…want you to be happy.”

“This makes me happy, Riza. I’m perfectly content.” Not exactly true, but close enough.

“Just go on a few dates. I’ll stay away for a while. We can revisit this conversation later.”

For a couple of months, that’s what happened. They had a couple slip ups but for the most part stayed apart from each other. He was miserable but tried not to let her see it. The Colonel noticed and Havoc wanted to punch the smug smirk right off of his face.

Those two months ended with Havoc having his spine sliced by a homunculus. He lay in the hospital bed counting ceiling tiles and hating himself. Hawkeye came in but spoke mostly only to the Colonel. He didn’t blame her. He saw the pain in her eyes when she looked at him and if there was one thing he hated more than suddenly being useless, it was hurting her.

The day after the Colonel left the hospital, Riza came to visit. She sat on the stool beside his bed and stared down at her boots. “Hi,” she finally said.

“Hey.”                          

“I…don’t know what to say. I’m sorry.”

He lit his one cigarette for the day. “I’m going back East.”

“I wish you would stay.”

“And have some shitty desk job? I’d rather stock groceries at the store.”

“Havoc…”

“I’ll miss you,” he said, surprising himself. “I will, Hawk.” She opened her mouth to speak but he cut her off. “You won’t have time to miss me. Things are intense here. But once this over and everything is better, you can visit me at the store.” His voice sounded hollow, even to him.

“I’ll miss you too. And I’ll take you up on that offer.”

And she did. She walked back into his life with a thick scar on her neck and her hair as short as it was the day he first met her. She’d been formal and short with him during his physical therapy and he could tell she didn’t support his decision to stay out of the military.

Team Mustang transferred back East to start the rebuilding of Ishval. Breda came to see him and tried to convince him to call Hawkeye. Havoc just shook his head and said he’d give it time and she’d call if she wanted. Breda laughed and said he didn’t even recognize him.

It took her two full months to finally come to his apartment. “Hey,” he said once he’d opened the door. She kept her eyes cast down to Hayate at her feet and then at the space around his head. He almost laughed. She was nervous. “Why so squirrelly? It’s just me.”

She smiled at that and then reached up to touch his beard. “I like this,” she finally said.

“Do you, Lieutenant?” He asked, leaning down to pet Hayate who barked happily, wagging his tail.

“Captain, actually,” she answered.

“Climbing the ranks, eh? Do you want to come in? I can make some tea.”

“Sure,” she said, a hint of relief in her voice. She took her boots off by the door and then sat at the table while he put the kettle on.

“I need to apologize,” she said, quietly. He sat down at the table across from her. He liked her hair short. It made you focus on her face and how pretty her bone structure was.

“No, you really don’t.”

“I pushed you away and I don’t really even know why.”

“Because things were crazy. How could we have known that it went all the way up to the Fuhrer? Breda told me how you all got separated. I understand.”

“You always understand,” she sighed.

He scooted his chair closer to her and ran his fingers along her jaw. “How’s the Colonel?”

“Brigadier General now. He’s fine. He’s passionate about Ishval. And I’ll continue to follow him so we can start to atone for our sins.” Her voice was soft but serious.

“What about…the two of you? How’s that?”

“We’re important to each other. I’ve known him since I was thirteen. But we’ll never be together again. Not in that way.”

“Is that how he feels too?”

“He’ll get there.”

“I’m so fucking glad you’re okay,” Havoc burst out, moving his fingers from her jaw to trail down the scar on her neck. She shivered and smiled a bit.

“I almost wasn’t. A little girl from Xing saved me.”

“And now you’re back East.”

She smiled and placed a soft kiss on his lips. He was surprised, even though he probably shouldn’t have been given how close their faces were. She broke away and smiled softly at him. “Now I’m back East.”


	4. Chapter 4

This time when she told him she was pregnant, his cigarette _did_ fall from his open mouth onto his lap. “Fuck, ouch,” he muttered frantically, scraping the hot ashes off the thighs of his pants.

She laughed and moved to sit beside him on the couch. “Riza! This is great!” He said. He wrapped an arm around her. “Are you happy?”

“I’m scared,” she admitted. “But excited. You? How do you feel about being a dad?”

“I feel awesome,” he kissed her neck, enjoying the flush it made creep across her cheeks.

They’d only been married a few months. It was a tiny, tiny celebration with a distinct lack of General Mustang. Havoc knew that hurt Riza’s feelings but he understood why the man couldn’t bring himself to show up. He knew the jealousy of another man being with Riza Hawkeye firsthand.

She wasn’t kidding when she said was scared. Her steady hands shook the morning she planned on telling the team. She’d recently become a Major so she had enough seniority for maternity leave, thank God. They lived in the apartment above the store and Jean knew he’d be doing most of the at-home parenting.

She cried her eyes out when the baby kicked for the first time. It was still too little to feel it from the outside and Jean was jealous. “I’m sorry,” she said, hands frozen on the small swell of her abdomen. “It just became really real and I’m freaking out.”

“Hey, it’s okay. It’s scary.”

One night, near her due date, when they were lying in their bed she told him she was worried about the fact that she had no family.

“Trust me, my mother will be more than willing to lend a hand. And my sisters. I have plenty of family to compensate.”

She fiddled with her wedding band and nodded. “I don’t feel like I deserve to be a mother. I’ve done…terrible things.”

He turned in bed, careful to keep from kicking Hayate, and looked into her eyes.

“Things that you’re doing everything in your power to atone for. You’ve done so much already. You’re a good person, Riza. Bad people don’t regret the things they’ve done.” He put a hand on her stomach, enjoying the feel of his child rolling gently inside. “You deserve this.”

“You always know what to say,” she sighed, curling close to him. They fell asleep and she was gone to work before he got up. His dad was in the store that day so he didn’t really need to go down. He’d just sat on the couch with the store’s books when the phone rang.

“Hello?”

“Havoc,” Mustang said, his voice tight and a little shaky.

“General? Is everything okay?”

“The Major,” he choked out. “Her water broke.”

“I can meet her at the hospital,” he said, his heart beginning to race. He tried to keep it together for Riza’s sake, but there was no denying that he was plenty scared too.  

“That’s the thing. She won’t leave her desk. Havoc, she’s crying.” He heard the man swallow loudly. “ _Crying_.”

“I’ll be there soon. Is she having contractions?” He asked.

“She won’t talk to us but she’s gasping every few minutes.”

“I’m leaving now,” he said. He hung up the phone and stuffed his feet in his shoes. He stopped to tell his dad Riza was going into labor and got into the car. He arrived at Eastern Headquarters, was searched and cleared, and made his way to the office.

He walked in and saw Riza sitting in her chair, rocking a little with the pain. Her face was pinched and a little red. Everyone on the team was staring at her. Furey and Mustang both looked scared enough to faint.

Jean cleared his throat and everyone looked up at him. Riza’s eyes filled with relief. He walked over and knelt in front of her. “Hey,” he said.

“Hey,” she answered, quietly.

Everyone around him sighed audibly so he figured she must have been silent up until that point.

“Ready to go to the hospital, Hawk?” He put on a big smile for her.

She shook her head, her eyes filling. “I’m not ready.”

“Well, you can’t have the baby on the floor in the office, honey.”

“I don’t want the baby to come yet.” There was a light sheen of sweat across her forehead and her fists were clenched so tight her knuckles were white.

He took one of her fists and tried to massage her fingers into opening. “Well, that ship has sailed. We have to go.”

She bit her lip and pressed her hands on her belly again, closing her eyes and resuming her rocking. “God, that fucking _hurts_ ,” she said when the contraction was over.

It took a bit more coaxing, but eventually Riza left with him. They were rushed into the labor and delivery wing of the hospital. They tried to get Havoc to wait in a waiting room and he laughed loudly. “I don’t think so,” he said, following his wife.

Riza labored for sixteen hours but eventually Lucy Havoc bulled her way into the world. Jean sobbed when they put her in his arms. She had a dusting of light gold hair and her eyes were a bruised blue that would soon lighten to match his own. Her nose and chin were all Riza.

“You did it,” he smiled at Riza and then back down at their daughter.

“I did,” she said, smiling a little. She held her hands out for the baby. He handed her over and watched her stare down at Lucy. “She’s so beautiful,” she sighed happily.

“And you’re tired. Why don’t you sleep some? The team is coming tomorrow.”

“We aren’t going home tomorrow?” She asked, kissing Lucy’s forehead.

He shook his head, taking the baby back. “You bled too much,” he said. “But maybe the day after.”

She nodded, pressing her face into her pillow. She was sore but seemed happy and less freaked out than she’d been in months. Jean could hardly believe how relieved and content he felt. This was more than he could have ever asked for.

The next day, everyone came to see them. Even Mustang. He hung back for a while, not speaking much but accepted the baby when Furey offered her to him. He let out a low, quiet whistle. “She’s going to be a heartbreaker,” he said. “Good thing her parents are sharpshooters.”

Riza smiled and Havoc could see her sigh of relief. “She’s really something.”

When everyone left, Mustang shook his hand. “Congratulations,” he said, quietly. Jean could see the pain on the other man’s face and felt guilty. He was able to have everything Mustang couldn’t and there was something gut-wrenching about it. 

He sat on a chair in Riza’s room, thinking about it until he turned back to his tiny girl in the hospital bassinet. She’d started moving her little fists around, making a whimpering sound. So far, she’d only cried when she was clearing her lungs when she was born. She made sad little sounds when she was hungry or wanted attention.

“Hey, sweetheart,” he said, picking Lucy up and cradling her. “Don’t wake Mommy, okay?”

“Too late,” Riza groaned, sitting up with a slight wince. “I never sleep well in hospitals though. She’s probably hungry.”

He walked the baby over and Riza nursed her. “Married with a baby,” she laughed, stroking Lucy’s cheek with her free hand. “I don’t even recognize myself.”

“It’s nice though,” Jean said softly, leaning back on his chair. He massaged his knees. He’d slept even less than Riza though it wasn’t his body that went through hell. Lack of sleep always brought back an old numbness in his restored legs.

“Yes,” she answered. “It is.”

They got to go home the next day. Riza was still in a considerable amount of pain and didn’t enjoy the walk up the stairs to their apartment. She sat on the couch, grimacing. Jean put the duffel bag down by the door and carried the sleeping baby to her crib.

“Well, what now?” She asked. She was twisting her fingers nervously and Havoc took them in his own.

“Now we get to be her parents. It’ll be good.”

She looked over and smiled. “Right.”


	5. Chapter 5

Jean couldn’t help but grumble under his breath as he maneuvered the halls of the hospital, three year old Lucy on his hip. He tried to keep it quiet though. His daughter was already a fan of shouting “dammit” when something went wrong and he didn’t really want to expand that particular section of her vocabulary.

He found the room number and walked in, noting she was sharing a room with General Mustang, who was currently asleep. Riza sat up when they came in. He sighed in relief. Her face was a little beaten up and there was a wrapped bandage on her upper arm. “Mommy!” Lucy called, reaching out.

“Hi, baby.” Jean carried their little blonde over to the bed and sat her on Riza’s lap. He placed the bag of clothes he brought for her on the floor. Riza adjusted her onto one thigh and started smoothing the girl’s fly away curls. “Why is your hair so messy? Did Daddy not brush it?”

“She was asleep when we got the call and we came straight here,” he told her, sitting on the chair beside her bed.

“Messy! Messy!” Lucy cheered, ruffling her hair back up.

“Lucy,” Riza sighed.

“What’s wrong, Mommy? You got a scratch!” She pointed a chubby finger at the bandage. “Daddy can kiss it. He kisses mine.”  

Mustang stirred and looked over. “Hello, Lucy,” he said. Over the last couple years, his obvious jealousy never lessened but it wasn’t angry like it used to be. He’d clearly found some sort of acceptance.

“Unca Roy!” She said, bouncing on Riza, making her wince.

Jean grabbed Lucy from his wife and carried her over to Mustang. She dove at him happily. “You have a scratch like Mommy,” she said, touching a cut on his cheek.

“What happened?” Jean asked, sitting back beside Riza.

She looked over to make sure Lucy was properly absorbed in Roy so she wouldn’t overhear. “It was a hostage situation. Armstrong was with us and his alchemy made the structure a little unstable. The building collapsed. We’re all fine.”

He swallowed down his anger. He knew it wasn’t fair of him to get angry with her for doing her job. They made the decision for her to go back to field work together. But now with her lying in a hospital bed while he was at home with their kid, the decision seemed wrong. His heart was still hammering as hard as it was when Furey first called.

“Where were you hurt?” He asked, leaning forward for her hand.

“Just a gash on my arm and one on my thigh. Barely a scratch.”

He looked at the thick bandage with doubt.

“Mommy got hurt, Unca Roy.”

“Mommy also got stitches,” Mustang said, making it clear in his voice that Riza wouldn’t be sweeping this under the rug.

“Riza,” Havoc groaned.

“I’ll give her a month of paid leave,” Roy told him, putting Lucy on her feet on the ground. She made a beeline for Jean.

“That is absolutely unnecessary,” Riza said, staring over at Mustang. “I need three days at the most.”

“Just accept the leave, Riza.” Lucy made a whiney sound in his ear. She’d only been asleep for ten minutes when he woke her from her nap. She’d been cranky beforehand too. He could relate. “Honey, stop it,” he said to her gently, rubbing her back and wishing so hard for a cigarette.

“ _Daddyyy_ ,” she whined. He could feel tears dripping onto his shoulder. He sighed.

“Jean, give her to me. Maybe she’ll sleep on the bed with me.”

Lucy was going boneless and the tantrum was seemingly inevitable. She flung herself at Riza, sobbing into her neck. “Lucille Rebecca Havoc,” she chastised, running her fingers in circles over the toddler’s back. “Take a deep breath.”

Once she fell asleep, Jean stood. “I need some air.”

Riza looked at him over their child’s head and furrowed her brow. She could tell something was bothering him. “Okay. Well, I doubt I’ll have to be here overnight.”

“We get to leave today?” The General asked hopefully.

“No, sir. You _are_ staying overnight.”

He groaned and Havoc left. He walked down to a store at the end of the road and bought a pack of cigarettes. He hadn’t smoked regularly since Lucy was born but he felt like he was on the verge of freaking out.

He sat on a bench and smoked until he felt like he could breathe normally again. He put the pack in his jacket pocket and walked back to Riza’s hospital room. She was dressed in the skirt and blouse he’d brought her. She was sitting on the chair by the General’s bed with Lucy still asleep in her lap.

She was laughing at something Mustang was saying and looked over at him when he came in. “I’m discharged,” she said. He nodded and held his arms out for their daughter. Lucy sighed and squirmed, getting comfortable on his shoulder.

They said their goodbyes to the General and walked out, Riza limping slightly. He kept a steadying arm on her lower back.

“You smell like an ashtray, Jean,” she said.

“Sorry,” he sighed. “I’ve been…upset since Furey called. He didn’t know how bad it was he just knew you were unconscious.”

“I understand,” she said. “But I don’t think giving Lucy lung cancer will resolve the issue.”

He helped her into the car and arranged the toddler on her lap.

He didn’t speak on the way home and he could tell that worried Riza. He wasn’t known for his quiet and withdrawn nature like she was. They gave a quick hello to Jean’s sister in the store and then made their way up. “Why don’t you put Lucy in her bed?” Riza asked. “We should talk.”

He nodded and took his daughter to her room. He laid her down and just…admired her for a second. She was definitely the best thing he’d known in his life. He watched as she breathed deeply and evenly, her blonde curls stuck to her face. He pressed a kiss to her temple and walked out to his wife.

She was sitting on the couch, rubbing her wedding band. It was pretty banged up, after three years of shooting and field work. He couldn’t help but look down at his own which still looked new.

“Jean,” she said. “What’s wrong?”

“I…nothing.”

She took his hand. “Don’t lie to me.”

“You scared the shit out of me today. I felt worse than useless.”

“I’ve been injured before.”

“You haven’t been hospitalized since before Lucy was born. And all Kain knew was that you weren’t awake. Lucy had been whining for you all day and then I couldn’t help but think of what would happen if…if you died. How she and I would be alone.”

She swallowed. “I wasn’t anywhere close to dying today.”

“Riza, a stray bullet could clip you in the head anytime you go out into the field. Don’t give me that shit. You and I have both almost died too many times to count.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“There’s nothing _to_ do. You want to be in the military. The military is dangerous. I can’t ask you to stay at a desk. I was having a tough time with Lucy already and it was just a shit day for this to happen.”

She leaned to him and he felt calmer at her touch. “What’s she been doing?”

He considered not even telling her. He knew she felt guilty about the time she spent away from their daughter. People in general had no problem letting her know they didn’t approve of her choice of being a soldier and a mother. “She’s just going through a phase.”

“Tell me.”

“She throws full blown tantrums when she wakes up and you’re not here. She’s just been really needy and angry lately.”

To his horror, Riza teared up. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“Baby, she’s three years old. This is normal. Nothing to get upset over.”

“You do so much. You take care of the house and her and you work. I’m falling short. This is what I was afraid of.”

“Riza Hawkeye, stop it right now. Let’s just focus on right now. We’re all safe and now you get to spend a month at home with us. It’ll be a vacation. I’m pretty sure that’s why he even gave it to you in the first place.”

She leaned forward and caught his mouth in a kiss. “I’m sorry,” she said between kisses. “I’m sorry I scared you.”

They made love quietly on the couch, careful not to wake the sleeping toddler. Afterwards, Riza went to make dinner while Havoc went over inventory sheets on the couch. Lucy ran out, Hayate running behind her, and scrambled up onto his lap.

“Daddy,” she said, lower lip poking out.

“What’s wrong, Lu?”

She went into a long speech about the nightmare she had and Jean nodded and kissed her cheek. He was used to this. Lucy had an active imagination that often times led to nightmares, particularly when she napped during the day. He was used to being the one ran to over bad dreams or bumps and bruises and he was honestly excited for Riza to get to be that for a month.

“Dinner’s ready,” Riza said, putting some plates on the table. He made Lucy wash her hands and then sit at the table.

“No ma’am,” Riza said without looking up from the silverware drawer. “Hayate gets his own food, Lucy. He doesn’t eat bread.”

“Daddy!” Lucy whined, turning to him, blue eyes wide.

“Listen to Mommy.”

After dinner was coloring and singing the alphabet a couple times. Then Riza gave Lucy a bath and they both tucked her in.

They were getting into their own bed a couple hours later when Jean asked, “Do you regret the life we have?”

“What?” She lifted her head from her pillow and stared at him in the dark. “Why would you ask that?”

“Balancing the military and a toddler can’t be all that fun. Plus, you somehow ended up with a dope like me.”

“Stop it,” she said, frowning. “You are the most loving person I’ve ever met. You know me better than anyone has my whole life. The military’s just a job. You know Lucy’s more important.”

He knew she didn’t think of it as “just” a job but he got the point she was trying to make. “But…motherhood. You’re okay with it?”

“It’s a little too late to change our minds now. We can’t very well just put her back in, can we?”

He laughed a little and kissed her cheek.

“Jean, I’m so grateful for the life I have with you. We were able to build something gentle and good. Something simple. I would never take that back.” She curled into his arms and kissed down his jawline. He moved on top of her, bracing himself on his forearms.

He liked how in the dark when she could be open and sweet.

He liked that there were three of them now and nothing was one-sided anymore.

He liked being hers. And he loved her being his.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are really appreciated! If you're willing, I'd like to hear what you like and didn't like. I love you for reading!


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